A Very Kupo Tale
by Svenny.Baby
Summary: FFTA fluff! Whether you like video games or not, it doesn't really matter because there really isn't much relevance to FFTA anyways... People facing problems! That's what it's all about. Yes, it's fluff.


Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story; Square Enix does… even though they are technically members of _my _clan. I'm so lucky I got all the 'good names' such as Diane and Hazel and not (heaven forbid) Bismark or Nabkov or _Hashepsto_ or something equally horrendous like that. WHO WERE THESE PEOPLE'S PARENTS! And what were they thinking when they named their daughter _Grisanbela!_ I am appalled. And for the record, my friend has a bangaa named Bismark. XD

**CHAPTER ONE**

**Of Shiny Things**

It was a fairly peaceful night in the small town of St. Ivalice. The moon shone softly, the stars twinkled and a slight breeze blew across the city. Unfortunately, three people were about to be rudely awakened.

RING

Beltran yawned tiredly and blinked owlishly at the watch still on his wrist. _2:30 AM? _he thought incredulously. _What lunatic calls this early in the morning?_ He chose to stay in bed and curled up more underneath his blanket.

RING

Beltran ignored the persistent ringing and stuck his head underneath his pillow.

RING

"Go away and stop ringing," Beltran grumbled irritatedly, only faintly aware that he was talking to an inanimate object.

RING

"For heaven's sakes..." Beltran dragged himself out of bed and picked up the evil device. "Can I call you back later? Preferably hours after the sun rises? I'm sleeping," he said bluntly before the person on the other line could say anything.

"Beltran, get yours, Elias' and Tavana's butts to Cadoan. You have ten minutes." The call ended.

All traces of sleep left the disgruntled teen. He barged into Elias' room and shook the living daylights out of the poor guy.

"Waugh!" Elias whapped Beltran on the side of his head with his pillow. "Dude, what are you _doing_? It's not even three in the morning yet!"

"Gukko wants us to meet him at Cadoan," Beltran explained. "Get our stuff ready and go... I've gotta get Tavana and will meet you there."

Elias nodded even though Beltran was already out of his room. He sighed tiredly and tried to rub the sleep still in his eyes. He pulled on random articles of clothing - he wasn't really concerned about what he was wearing. _Geebus, Gukko has never made us meet him this early before_, he mused while putting on his socks. _Why start now of all times?_ The quiet click of the apartment door closing told Elias that Beltran had left. He sighed again and stumbled wearily into his friend's room in search of his things.

Tavana lay awake on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. A small gap in between the curtains let an unnaturally bright shaft of light into his bedroom. Some mumblings could be heard in the room next door and Tavana tried to ignore them. _Just pretend that you're asleep_, he told himself.

A small pinging noise coming from outside startled him. Tavana held his breath, wondering if he should investigate the strange noise. His courage failed him and he sank back into his lumpy mattress.

Tavana felt a twinge of annoyance when the same pinging noise came back, but louder. He carefully tiptoed towards his window, wincing at the creaks the old floorboards made underneath his weight. A snore from next door threatened to shatter his nerves. Tavana's hand paused centimetres from his window, heart pounding. _Don't get caught_, he prayed silently while drawing the curtains. Tavana nervously opened his window and stuck his head out.

A pebble bounced squarely off his forehead. Slightly flabbergasted, Tavana trained his gaze towards the general direction of where the projectile came from and was quite surprised to see Beltran grinning at him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Tavana hissed angrily at his friend after climbing out his window. "You _know_ what my dad is like! If he caught us..." He trailed off, annoyed that Beltran was still smiling.

"You worry too much man," Beltran exclaimed, patting Tavana's back. "Besides, Gukko wants us at Cadoan pronto!"

"Cadoan?" Tavana raised a delicate eyebrow. "Is this more of that crystal crap?"

Beltran shrugged. "We'll find out when we get there." He glanced at his watch and blanched. "Shit. We were supposed to be there two minutes ago."

"Now you tell me!" Tavana sighed. "Let's go... my sleeping dad isn't quite as frightening as Gukko is when he's angry..."

Elias cast nervous glances at the man beside him. He could see a vivid picture in his mind of Gukko's head exploding from anger. It wasn't a pretty sight.

"Are you _sure_ they're coming," asked Gukko impatiently.

"Y-yes..." Elias stammered, mentally kicking himself. _My god, stop being such a wimp_, he scolded himself. _Sure, Gukko is a little scary..._ He looked at Gukko again and winced. _Okay, _very_ scary. But he's not immortal or something._ Elias felt a wave of calmness replace his former anxiety. _That's right Elias... he's human just like you._ Voice of reasoning one, fear nothing.

"There they are," Gukko said, sounding pleased.

Elias turned and saw that Gukko was right. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"We're sorry we're late," Tavana apologized hurriedly. "It wasn't Beltran's fault... I took a long time getting outside--"

"Shush," Gukko interrupted. Tavana's mouth snapped shut to his satisfaction. _The boy knows what's good for him._

"Is this about the crystal thing you dragged us on last time?" Elias inquired, hoping he was wrong.

Gukko chuckled humourlessly. "You're a smart lad… very smart indeed." Beltran and Tavana gave each other significant glances while a quiet "damn" could be heard from Elias.

"Once again, this task will give you a chance to use your… unique… talents." Gukko chuckled a second time and handed Elias a small disc. "The building's floor plans are on here," he explained. "Now, I must be off… good luck to all three of you." Gukko turned and walked towards a black car in the distance.

Elias popped the disc into his laptop and stared intently at the screen. After a few moments he shook his head in disgust. "You guys will have to wait a bit," he told Beltran and Tavana.

"While Mr. Nerd is occupied with the planning, let's say you and I stare at the place," Beltran chirped, patting Tavana on the back.

"You're so weird," Tavana sighed. After a minute or so he spoke up again. "Crap. This place is pretty damn big."

Elias heard him and rolled his eyes. "Of _course_ it's big! That's why I'm taking so long – aha!" Beltran and Tavana peered over Elias' head at the befuddling windows on his screen.

"Um, what are we supposed to be seeing here?" Beltran asked timidly.

"A map," Elias replied grinning. "You guys don't have to read it – I do." He reached into his backpack and tossed two headsets at his friends while putting one on himself. "I'll direct you – now hurry up and go!"

"Yes ma'am," Tavana said dryly, dodging the punch Elias threw at him.

"I mean it! Go!" Elias harrumphed at his friends' retreating figures. "Morons," he muttered, grinning in spite of himself.

"Elias," grumbled Beltran. "Help us out here!"

"I already hacked into the security system and turned everything off." Elias' voice crackled through the earpieces in Beltran's and Tavana's ears. "What more do you want me to do?"

"Tell us where the bathroom is," Tavana replied sarcastically. "Where the crystal is you dumba – "

"Hey, hey," interrupted Beltran. "Keep the insults down."

"Whatever," Tavana growled. "Elias, you're the dumbest smart person ever!" (1)

Beltran raised an eyebrow. "'Dumbest smart person ever'? Yes, you are most definitely smart Tavana." He sidestepped a kick aimed at his 'sensitive region'.

Outside of Cadoan Elias was typing furiously. "Guys, quit it," he whined. "You're not helping with the situation here!" A small section of text caught his eye. "Ah. There we go."

"Waa?" (2) Tavana's face brightened for the first time in many days. "You know where the crystal thingy is?"

"I have a guess," Elias answered.

"We'll take our chances," said Beltran firmly.

"Okies." Elias looked at the floor plan to confirm his hypothesis and beamed. "Go through the main hallway and turn left at the Ultima Wing. The third last door on your righthand side should lead you to the basement."

"You rock Elli-butt," Beltran exclaimed happily.

Tavana let out a rare laugh. "'Elli-butt'?" He snorted. "Where do you get this stuff from?"

"Let me enlighten you. You see, the last syllable of Elias' name sounds like –"

"Shut up Bellbottoms," Elias snapped.

"Elli-butt."

"Bellbottoms."

"Elli-butt!"

"Bellbottoms!"

"_Elli-butt!_"

"_Bellbottoms!_"

"Both of you shut up cuz we're here," Tavana said quietly. Beltran and Elias quieted down. Tavana placed his hand on the door and groaned.

"It's locked isn't it." Beltran sighed when Tavana nodded. "I guess it can only be expected."

Tavana tapped his foot impatiently. "Pick the stupid lock already," he said shortly, fidgeting.

"Much obliged." Beltran fished a paperclip out of his pocket. He straightened out the thin piece of metal and stuck it into the lock. "You'd think the people here could invest in better locks," he remarked while jiggling the paperclip around. Beltran beamed when an almost inaudible _click_ came from inside the door. "After you," he said to Tavana, tipping an imaginary fedora. (3)

"Weirdo," Tavana muttered under his breath.

"What did I do?" Beltran asked innocuously. "After all, it's 'ladies first'!" He laughed at the baleful glare Tavana gave him.

The flashlight in Tavana's hand flickered and went out. Tavana swore.

"What happened?" Elias asked worriedly.

"The batteries in the flashlight died," Beltran said.

"Wish we had another light," Tavana said wistfully. The pensive look on his face was replaced with disbelief when Beltran cheerfully pulled a glowstick out of his pocket.

"Chemiluminescence," Beltran sighed dramatically, ignoring the look on Tavana's face. "What would we do without it?" He bent the object and smiled at the greenish glow it created.

"You had a glowstick in your pocket?" Tavana asked incredulously. "A _glowstick!_"

"Yes," Beltran answered absentmindedly. "Elli-butt, where do we go next?"

"Don't call me Elli-butt dammit," Elias grumbled. "Are you guys going down stairs at the moment?"

Tavana nodded and then remembered Elias couldn't see him. "Yes."

"Great." Elias checked his map again. "Once you reach the bottom, there's another door. That's the storage room where the crystal Gukko wants so badly probably is."

"Okay." Tavana stopped walking. "Beltran?" He peered around nervously, anxious about the absence of his glowstick-toting friend. "Where did you –"

"BOO!"

"HYAUGH!"

"Tavana? Beltran?" Elias tapped his earpiece nervously. "Where did you guys go? Are you guys okay? _Guys!_"

Tavana's voice calmed Elias down significantly. "That loser scared the shit out of me," Tavana hissed angrily. To prove how angry he was, he punched Beltran. "But we're okay…"

"Speak for yourself," Beltran mumbled, wincing and rubbing his arm.

"Just hurry up okay?" Elias checked his watch and panicked. "Fluffy duck (4) … the shift of the security guard you guys incapacitated is over in eight minutes! Another guy is coming!"

"I don't feel like knocking out another person," Tavana said dryly. "Pick the lock so we can grab the crystal and get out of here!"

Beltran took out the paperclip he used before and began to pick the lock. "Hold the glowstick would you?" Beltran said politely. Tavana snorted and picked up the chemically lit object.

"Six minutes," Elias said in a slightly higher voice than usual.

"Just wait a minute!" Beltran said crossly, showing the first sign of irritation he had been feeling since the first ring of his phone. He took the glowstick back and turned the knob.

Beltran held out the glowstick and gasped. _So much… shiny things…_ he thought dumbly.

Tavana saw the look on Beltran's face and shook his head. "Beltran, step away from the… whatever it is." He scratched his head, puzzled by the strange unnamable… _thing_… that had caught Beltran's eye.

"Shiny things…" Beltran saw a gleam of light at the back of the room and whooped. "Crystal! I found the crystal!"

"Great work!" Elias smiled. A shadowy figure heading towards the front door of Cadoan made his grin slide off his face. "Get out of there! The guy on the next shift is here!"

Tavana swore. "Don't touch anything Beltran you little kleptomaniac. The only thing we're taking is the crystal…?" He looked around and groaned. "_Now_ where'd you go?"

"I got it!" Beltran exclaimed, shoving a very pricy looking stone underneath Elias' dainty nose.

"Lovely," Elias stated, pushing it away. "Wait… where's Tavana?" He looked around and smacked his forehead with the heel of his palm. "_You left him inside!_"

"Yes he did," Tavana sighed. A shout from upstairs made him jump. _I'm guessing the security guard just found the security guard_, he thought. As the newcomer thundered down the stairs, Tavana's mind began to wander…something about pressure points.

Outside Cadoan, Beltran and Elias winced at the noises they heard through their headsets.

_Svenny wishes to talk to you. PNG!_

Yay! I finished my first chapter! Did you like it?

Anyways, some of you might have noticed the little numbers I placed in some places. They're basically footnote indicators… so next time you see a (1) or something, go to the end of the chapter in these little author note blurbs and find the corresponding number. You might find something interesting!

To clear things up, yes I know Gukko is evil and yes I know the 'good guys' are working for him. Strange perhaps, but it is part of my storyline.

Footnote things:

"You're the dumbest smart person ever!" may sound slightly familiar if you watched _iRobot_… you know, that movie with the guy with the robot arm and the evil robot computer Vicky or something… ah whatever. I just kind of quoted the main character whose name I have already forgotten. Oops?

This random outburst of a non-existent one syllable word is a quote of my friend (just call her Clive). Yes, she really does say "waa". But only sometimes.

A fedora is a hat. I made Mr. Kleptomaniac spoof myself (I tip imaginary hats at people).

Another friend of mine (you may call her Melvin) caught her mom say f – heh… yeah. So upon questioning, Mrs. Melvin's Mom told Melvin that she said 'fluffy duck', which is much more kid friendly and huggable as well.


End file.
